Jewish Jokes
Here is a selection of some clean Jewish jokes:

Making it Kosher
You know you grew up Jewish when ...
Chinese Rabbi
The New Moses
The Pope and the Jew

Making It Kosher
A Rabbi was walking home from the Temple and saw one of his good friends, a pious and learned man who could usually beat the rabbi in religious arguments.

The rabbi started walking faster so that he could catch up to his friend, when he was horrified to see his friend go into a Chinese restaurant (not a kosher one).

Standing at the door, he observed his friend talking to a waiter and gesturing at a menu. A short time later, the waiter reappeared
carrying a platter full of spare ribs, shrimp in lobster sauce, crab rangoon and other treif that the Rabbi could not bear to think about.

As his friend picked up the chopsticks and began to eat this food, the Rabbi burst into the restaurant and reproached his friend, for he could take it no longer.

"Morris, what is this you are doing? I saw you come into this restaurant, order this filth and now you are eating it in violation of everything we are taught about the dietary laws and with an apparent enjoyment that does not befit your pious reputation!"

Morris replied, "Rabbi, did you see me enter this restaurant?"

(Rabbi nods yes)

"Did you see me order this meal?"

(again he nods yes)

"Did you see the waiter bring me this food?"

(again he nods yes)

"And did you see me eat it?" (nods yes)

"Then, Rabbi, I don't see the problem here. The entire meal was done under Rabbinical supervision!"

You know you grew up Jewish when ...
You've had at least one female relative who draws eyebrows on her face and they are always asymmetrical.

You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket".

Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.

Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.

You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10 foot wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.

You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha and bowties.

You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.

You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

You never knew anyone who's last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes.

You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.

You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.

You think the goyim are out to get you.

Your mother smacked you really hard and continues to make you feel bad for hurting her hand.

You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean.

You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.

You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout "are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes.

You have at least six male relatives named David.

You feel a sense of pride after seeing a Stephen Spielberg movie, but Barbara Streisand embarrasses you to no end.

Your grandparent's furniture smelled like mothballs and was as comfortable as sitting on sandpaper.

You thought that speaking loud was normal.

You thought whitefish salad and lox was the quintessential party food.

Chinese Rabbi
A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing
through the native quarter, and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.

As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the
door greeting his congregants. When our
Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi said, "You a Jew?"

"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.

"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."

The New Moses
The Rabbi's wife called a psychiatrist and said, "My husband thinks he's the new Moses. Almost like a reincarnation!"

The doctor assured her that these delusions of grandeur were only a passing fancy.

"OK." she responded. "But in the meantime, how do I keep him from parting the waters in the hot-tub?"

The Pope and the Jew
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."